Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
