the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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