$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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