Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
