if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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