good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
