I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
