Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
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I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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