Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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