bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
