I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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