Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
