i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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