alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
