all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
we're making bets on your personal life
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
