Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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