This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
