I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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