everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
