So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
