Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
