She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
