Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ATM looks so different sober.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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