I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
