I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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