I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
