Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
