my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
