the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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