You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
