i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
