I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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