He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
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I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
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She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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