Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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