My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
