he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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