the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
