saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
