Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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