I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
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He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
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this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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