the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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