I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i think my mom watched the whole time
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
