i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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