Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
