Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
