Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
