if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
