hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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