you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
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Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
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Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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