Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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