Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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