Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's shark week go big or go home
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
