Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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