Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
