the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
How's work?
Spinning.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
