Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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