Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
